I’ve decided that whatever white folk do to us PoC, I’mma throw it right back at them. Only the ones who display ignorance. Those who have displayed ignorance from a distance (read: not towards me, but towards another fellow PoC) will get it too; it’ll be great because they will think they’re an innocent white person who did nothing wrong. This will serve as the parallel to how most PoC are forced to deal with gnorance for no reason other than existing. They’re gonna get their dose of walking in our shoes. And it won’t even be a full dose because they can never fully experience what we go through, and yet, I guarantee they won’t be able to handle it. GUARANTEE it.

From now on, whenever I talk to a white person and am telling a story, I won’t use race as an identifier…unless someone I’m talking about is white.

I’m going to make skin color references. I’ll introduce them to my PoC friends as my Mayonnaise Buddy. “You’re my favorite Mayo person!” “Isn’t their skin gorgeous? It’s like….a cracker tee hee heeeee! Get it? Because you people are called Crackers, and your skin is the color of a …lol…a cracker!!!! OMG SEW SEW FUNNEEE” “I LOOOOVE white men. Their Elmer’s glue skin….mmm!”

Whenever I see large groups of white people, I will stare, and look as uncomfortable as possible. I’ll watch them suspiciously, and if we are in a store, I will tell the manager to keep an eye on them because they look suspicious.

I’ma ask them why them why white people do things, or what their thoughts are on particular topics, as if they’re all one big monolith. “So why is it white people like dog sweaters so much?” “White people are always trying to touch my hair. I mean, I know it’s fabulous and all, but… do you guys just have this complex where you can’t keep your hands to yourselves?” “Why are white people so homophobic?” “You people are always going out and killing somebody. Why the violence? The white community needs to get its shit together. Or, should I say… ducks in a row. That’s a white people phrase, right?”

When white people get accepted into a college. “You know you only got in because you’re white, right? I mean, come on. Hundreds of other white folks who did better than you, and you’re the one they chose? Over tons of qualified PoC? Pfffbt. Fluke~ Look at who is filling these universities! A bunch of white underachievers. Schools need to stop lowering their standards and choosing people because of their race.”

I’ll meet their despaired pleas with smugness and defensive condescension: “I don’t hate white people! I have a crush on a white guy. I’m totally down for Coldplay! There, now don’t you feel silly?”

On racism: “All you people ever do is complain about PoC standing up for themselves! GOD, it’s like white people are stupid.”

On education: “So… I dunno. Maybe the government should implement a Hooked on Phonics program for white people. Because there are so many of you who are lacking basic kindergarten level reading comprehension. It’s kind of tragic.” “Reading the word “all” where it doesn’t exist… is that like, a white thing? Or…? Because I mean… what is that?”

In public places: “Oh my god, white person. Quick, let’s cross the street. ….What??? Have you seen the statistics for white on white crime? And then, if they commit a crime against me, they can get away with it? No way, you people are some wild motherfuckers, I’m not playing with that, girlfriend! You can stay your white ass over here and get shafted if you want, but I’m crossing the street. …WHAT?! I am NOT reverse racist, I’m just trying to stay safe!”

I’m going to touch every white person’s hair, stranger or not, and make unsolicited observations. “Oh my god, it’s so thin and lifeless. How do you live?” “You should really consider getting some extensions for volume because I can see your skull from across the room, honey.” “Wow, it’s so…lol. *grope grope*” I’ll even touch stranger’s hair. And then, I’ll use hand sanitizer afterwards. “You people are known for lice and stuff. … No offense.” “You have to wash it every day? Oh my god, white people are that dirty?”

When white people mention the race of other people at all, I’ll accuse them of racism. And then I will only skim what they say, and make an argument on something that they never said. And I will not budge. I will go down with my headcannon for What Whitey Said.

When white people get agitated by PoC discussing race, I will concern troll the fuck out of them to make them feel bad.

Every white person will from here on out be known as either Honkey, Cracker, or Crackerhonkey (or Honkeycracker). For the REAL uppity ones, I reserve the name: Mayo. Elmer, if I’m feeling extra malicious. With the exception of my Unnamed White Friends, who will remain unnamed but shall be referenced as My White Friend.

Anytime a white person is offended by something, I will go, “But my white friend says it’s okay for me to say/do that!” “They think it’s true, they agree with me! YOU ARE INVALID”

Whenever a white person gets worked up. “I don’t think you’re capable of being rational. I think your emotions are going to take away from this conversation, therefore, I am dismissing your thoughts, because you’re wrong anyway, and it’s not like you could argue to begin with; you’re white, so you’re biased. BYEEE~”

White folk about to get a dose of their own.