thanks so much for putting in the time to answer! <3
No problem, love!
I live in a mostly white Irish catholic town. You can count the number of POC families on one hand. One of my best friends is black and we have a mutual friend who is constantly touching her hair and saying ridiculous shit that clearly bothers her but she looks like she's holding back from saying anything. I tell this racist and rude friend to shut the fuck up all the time but is that all I can do? I explain why what she's saying is fucked up but I want my friend to not 1/2
(2/2) feel like she has to keep her mouth shut because of her race. I don’t want her to feel marginalized. It’s such a conflict but I don’t know how to approach the situation. any advice?
There’s really no clear cut solution for a situation like that.
I personally think you’re on the right track with telling this friend to shut up and explaining why. But in this kind of situation, your PoC friend’s feelings come first. If you can see that by collecting your mutual friend, if it’s making your PoC friend uncomfortable, then save your collections for in private. Take that friend aside later and tell them that, “Hey, what you did wasn’t cool, and here’s why.”
As for letting your friend know that she is free to speak up if she desires, I can’t say how to approach that, so I’ll tell you what my white friend did for me, that I really appreciated.
One day, we happened to be talking about race, and about some incidents that happened on this campus. Because we were on the topic of race, —more specifically, racist incidents that had been going on—she said to me, “Just so you know, if I ever say anything offensive, or do something problematic and you want me to know, it’s fine. I know you said before you’re not comfortable with calling people out all the time because of what reactions you could get, and I’m white, so I can’t say that I understand, but I also don’t want to hurt you. So if you ever want to call me out, and feel comfortable enough doing it, please.” And I mean, because we’re so close, this was absolutely fine for me. Now, I can’t say that’ll work with your friend because I’m not her.
As for you and your friend, I can’t tell you when an appropriate time to say it would be, or even if you should say it at all. I will say that, in my opinion, if you DO want to let her know, it should be if she tells you her thoughts on calling people out, or at the very least, when you’re already on the topic of race.; even better if it’s the topic of your friend who is constantly othering her.
This isn’t really much help, because I can’t tell you when, or how, or even if you should go about this, because different things work for different people. Some PoC feel uncomfortable with their friends telling them that, because it puts the spotlight on them. Some PoC are fine with it. It depends. So I’m going to have to say to use your discretion, and keep on being an ally.
And I’m gonna open this up to my fellow PoC, because I know y’all will probably have better input. XD What are your thoughts, you guys? (Anon, thanks for asking this. Please keep an eye on the notes, just in case some other PoC leave their input for you.)
I thought I was the only one to do realize during childhood my white friends said problematic shit. I find that they say problematic shit all the time and just brush it off, then wonder why I don't talk to half of them these days. Smh.
Yeah, if you don’t have somebody to tell you what’s going on, then it’s almost impossible to identify why there’s that pulling feeling at the back of your mind. They just don’t teach us this shit. We teach each other.
But you are definitely not alone. It’s sad and unfair to us, but it’s true.
What's the one biggest pet peeve you've had growing up as a PoC?
Growing up, I wasn’t as racially aware as I am now and was on that kool aid shit. Like, my white friends would say problematic shit, and if it hurt my feelings, I’d just assume I was being sensitive, or I couldn’t pinpoint why it was bothering me, or I’d just give them passes left and right and laugh off the shit they said because I didn’t want them to think I was whiny or oversensitive, or “playing the race card.” So the few times I DID speak up? It was after like hours of mental prep.
So my biggest pet peeve was when my friends would say problematic shit, and then brush me off when I tried to even tell them that it hurt me when they said shit like that.
I’d like to also add that now, when those same people brush me off as being oversensitive, I tear into them extra hard to make up for the thirteen plus years I’d been letting them off the hook. Retribution is good. A few of them are paranoid that I’mma start hating white people soon lol.
Marry me... or else BAMBI GETS IT!
Well shit! Guess we’re getting hitched then. ;)
I wanted to sign the Ianthe petition, but when I clicked on your link, it simply redirected me to their blog? Is there a link specifically for the petition?
Certainly! There’s a link on the blog post it redirects you to, actually, but here ya go! :D
Actually (same person asking) I found it eventually, it's just the link was basically the same color as the text so I didn't realize it was there. :)
Hehe! No worries! =)
I got home from work and saw what was happening and good lord, what a bunch of bullshit that was! I wish Ianthe the best and I signal boosted, although I don't think I could sign it since i'm not a student at ISU. Nonetheless, my thoughts are with her and I hope those racist shitheads get a karmic smackdown of some sort.
I tried to, and yep, you can sign it if you’re not a student.So if you’d like to, feel free! =] And thank you for signal boosting.
Thank you so much for supporting Ianthe. She's really scared right now, so I appreciate any positive words that come her way.
=] Oh, the support. goes without question. And every single one of my followers? You, reading this right now? Yeah, you. You should be supporting her too. You need to sign the petition and show Ianthe some love, too, because what she did took serious fucking courage.
Click the first link to learn what happened. (It’s short, so yo have no excuse to not read it right fucking now.)
Click the second link to see what kind of shit is going on with Ianthe right now as a result of her making this petition. (Also short. Leave her some love.)
But yeah, everyone needs to sign that petition. Seriously. Every one of you. Now.
On an added note, I’d like to say that this is a beautiful instance of solidarity. Ianthe, I’m sending you all of the love and good thoughts in the world right now.
Oh my gosh Doc McStuffens is such a cute show my brother who's 7 likes it too. And it's a lot better than Princess Sofia which is so annoying btw. Doc McStuffens is right up there with Handy Manny. Look at me gushing over a kids show when I'm almost out of the house.
Ahahaha! It’s alright, I feel it. I haven’t seen the show, but I definitely wanna check it out! I’m going to have to see if my babies know about this show!